She Woke Up to Her Boyfriend Having Sex With Her While She Slept

She woke up to find him finishing, she says. Her boyfriend was having sex with her while she slept, and by the time she came to, he was already coming on her. She did nothing in the moment — shock, presumably, or the disorientation of waking into something already halfway done. The next morning she joked about the bed being sticky. He laughed it off.

She gave him time to explain himself, she writes. Asked if it was a kink, if there was something she wasn't understanding. He brushed it off. So she sat with it for a few days, feeling gross, and then confronted him directly.

He admitted it. Said exam stress had made him do it — that instead of talking to her like a normal person, he'd used her. He thought she liked it, he said, which she notes makes no sense. She was angry and hurt. The worst part, she writes, is that he doesn't see it as a big deal. When she said she wanted to break up, he was confused. Everything had been fine before.

They'd been planning to live together over the summer in a sublet. Now she's found her own place. She thinks she's emotionally over it, she says, but he has it in his head that they're just taking a break. The question she's asking is whether it's possible to forgive him. She gave him chances to confess before she confronted him, asked if she'd done anything to make him uncomfortable telling her. He said no, it's just his character.

She loves him. She doesn't know if she can forgive him. She feels like she's disrespecting herself, opening herself up to more of this, but he did seem really sorry. He'd been a great boyfriend until this moment, she writes. They're still living together until her new lease starts, which is awkward, but she needed to get it off her chest because she couldn't stop thinking about it.

The comments did not offer the range of perspectives she was hoping for. The consensus formed quickly and held. What he did, multiple people pointed out, has a name. It's rape. You can't consent when you're asleep. The only context in which this is acceptable is if it's been discussed and agreed to in advance, as a specific kink with clear rules. Otherwise it's rape.

One commenter noted that he's telling her his character is to have sex with a sleeping non-consenting partner, and suggested she believe him. Another asked what he's going to do when his parents die, if this is how he handles exam stress. Skip the mental gymnastics, that commenter wrote. Her instincts are right.

Someone else shared their own experience. It had happened to them, they said, and they'd confronted their ex and been told it wouldn't happen again. It did. Multiple times. They didn't realise at the time how bad the situation was, how they weren't consenting and their partner didn't care. They wished they'd left after the first time.

One commenter identified as a somnophile — not proud of it, they wrote, but what can you do — and said consent is always the most important thing. If he doesn't get that from you before, it's fucked up and not something to forgive or forget.

She's asking if she can forgive him. The comments are asking why she would want to. He's told her it's his character. He's told her he was stressed and used her. He didn't wake her. He laughed it off the next morning. When she said she wanted to break up, he was confused.

She's living with him for a few more weeks. The lease hasn't started yet on the new place. She says she's emotionally over it. She also says she can't stop thinking about it. Both can be true. The body keeps a different clock than the mind does, and the decision to leave doesn't make the next two weeks any less strange.

He thinks they're taking a break. She's moved her summer plans. The gap between those two understandings is the whole problem in miniature. He doesn't see it as a big deal. She woke up to it already happening.