He Pretended to Like Sparkling Water and Now He Can't Stop

He took one sip and hated it, he says. It tasted wrong — fizz without flavour, like someone had tried to make a drink and forgotten the actual drink part. But the Instagram story was already up. The caption said it was his new addiction.

That was three years ago. He's thirty now. The LaCroix is still in his fridge.

The post describes what happened next as a slow trap closing. Friends started bringing it when they visited, assuming he'd want it. Coworkers stocked it in the office fridge because they'd seen him drink it. His girlfriend — now his fiancée — thought the whole sparkling water thing was charming, so she bought him a SodaStream for Christmas. A machine that makes more of the drink he can't stand.

He doesn't say he ever tried to correct anyone. The lie was small at first, and then it wasn't small anymore. Now he's the sparkling water guy. He has flavours he can't tell apart. He nods when people ask if he's tried the new lime one. He drinks what he calls spicy sadness and doesn't let on.

The problem, according to the post, is that it's gone on too long. If he opens a Gatorade now, someone will notice. Someone will ask why no LaCroix today, and he'll have to laugh it off, and the laugh will sound fake because it is. He's performed the bit so many times that stopping would require an explanation, and the explanation is that he's been lying about a beverage for three years.

He's not the only one. One commenter says he's now the Nerds Gummy Clusters guy at work after bringing in candy he also hates. Another says his new girlfriend already thinks he likes LaCroix and he's worried he's about to repeat the same mistake. The sparkling water people, meanwhile — the ones who actually like it — say they wish someone would stock their fridge for free and don't understand what the problem is.

The advice splits cleanly. Half the thread says to fake a reason: carbonation is bad for your teeth, your stomach can't handle it anymore, you got sick and your taste changed. One commenter suggests blaming heartburn. Another suggests blaming a cold. The other half says to just tell the truth — that tastes change, that you overdid it, that it's not your thing anymore. No one will care. No one will hate you for not wanting sparkling water.

But the post doesn't say he's planning to do either. It ends with a warning to anyone younger reading: never lie about your beverages. The phrasing suggests he knows it's absurd. The phrasing also suggests he's still drinking the LaCroix.

The fiancée doesn't know. That's the centre of it. She bought him the SodaStream because she thought he loved sparkling water, and he's never told her he doesn't. It's a small lie that became the texture of how she sees him, and now correcting it would mean admitting he let her be wrong for years. Easier to keep drinking it. Easier to let the fridge stay stocked.

The thread calls him a coward. One commenter says to drink it like a man. Another lays out three options: mix it with alcohol and develop a drinking problem instead, fake a medical reason and go cold turkey, or run away to a tropical island and start over. The last one is a joke. Probably.

He's in too deep, he says. That's the phrase he uses. It's a beverage. It should not be possible to be in too deep over a beverage, and yet the situation he describes is one where every normal exit has closed. He can't just stop. He can't just admit it. He's built a version of himself that drinks sparkling water, and the people around him believe in that version, and dismantling it would be more awkward than just continuing to drink something he hates.

The post is funny because it's trivial and because it isn't. Nobody cares what he drinks except that they do — they care enough to buy it for him, to stock it, to notice when it's missing. He's trapped by affection. The SodaStream was a gift. The LaCroix in the fridge is someone thinking of him. Rejecting it now would mean rejecting the thought, and he hasn't found a way to separate the two.

So he drinks it. He's been drinking it for three years. The post offers no sign that he plans to stop.